Attachment and Anxiety- Tips to Working Towards Secure Attachment

There are a variety of insecure attachment styles that individuals live with. Examples of attachment styles include anxious-preoccupied, fearful avoidant, secure, and dismissive- avoidant. If you are curious to learn more about what attachment styles you could relate to, I encourage you to contact us to start counseling services. This blog will focus on anxious attachment, how it can show up, and tips to help moving towards secure attachment. 

What is Anxious Attachment?

Attachment styles in general start to form in childhood and can change over time with life experiences. One way that anxious attachment develops is when an individual has a caregiver that is sometimes available to meet our emotional needs and sometimes isn’t available to meet emotional needs. In other words a parent might recognize at times that their child is anxious and are open and curious to hearing what their child may need in response to their feelings while other times they get frustrated by their child's big emotions and express those frustrations as dismissing or critical of the child. Over time a child can become confused into thinking that they are responsible for others feelings and feel like they have to earn validation from their caregiver. They can feel insecure about how they see themselves and rely on external validation for their self-confidence. They learn that their feelings are okay sometimes but other times may not be depending on how outside influences react.

Anxious Attachment In Adult Relationships

Once a person with an anxious attachment then gets into an adult relationship their attachment style can show up in different ways. They may feel symptoms of codependency with their partner and have a difficult time separating their feelings from their partners. They may have a stronger inclination to try to fix or problem solve for their partner when their partner feels upset or frustrated. The anxious attached individual may ask for a lot of validation from their partner in attempts to feel better about how they are as a partner and to ensure that their partner is feeling committed to the relationship. All of these behaviors can lead to the opposite of what the anxious attachment person is trying to ensure in the relationship. Their partner may feel more frustrated with their anxious partner because the anxious partner's attempts are not what the other person is asking for. Miscommunication and misunderstandings can develop between the couple that experiences the anxious feelings and attachment. The anxious individual may have all of the best intentions in their behaviors but their attempts and efforts don't seem to help their relationship. So what can anxious individuals do?

Tips for Anxious Attachment Individuals

1.)  Attune and Reflect Before Responding:

Anxiously attached individuals might feel an urgency to respond to discomfort witnessed in their partner or within themselves. The behaviors that they use to relieve discomfort may not be helping their relationship. Before responding the anxious person can take some time to attune to their own feelings and discomfort first. After the anxious person identifies their feelings they can then move towards being more curious about their partner and ask for what their partner may or may not need. Sometimes they may find that their partner doesn't want something to be fixed or changed but rather to just be heard and listened to.

2.)  Coping Skills for Discomfort:

The anxious attached individual can benefit from sitting with their discomfort and allowing for it to exist. Engaging in deep breathing and mindfulness meditation can help the anxious person to stay present in the moment instead of ruminating or overthinking situations. When we feel anxious we are in a dysregulated state and are not able to access compassion, logic, and reasoning to help navigate situations. When we are more regulated within ourselves we can then move towards a healthier attachment and healthier way of showing up for others in our life.  

Are you relating to this blog and interested in starting to learn more about yourself? Do you want to heal from maladaptive patterns of relating to yourself and others? Reach out to us to see if we can be of service to you.

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