How Your Attachment Style May Be Affecting Your Marriage

It takes a lot to make a marriage successful. Balancing kids, careers, finances, and household duties can all feel like barriers to a happy marriage.

If life was simple, that would probably be all we'd have to navigate with marriage. Not that any of that makes life simple. Unfortunately, life is anything but simple. So much more can get in the way of the marital bliss we crave.

The past is no exception. From the time we are born, we are making attachments with other human beings. Known as the attachment theory, it claims that the first bonds we experience are often the basis for when we make newer connections.

There are three main types of attachment styles when it comes to marriage. Each can have an effect on your marriage - both positive and negative!

Secure Attachments

Growing up, did your primary caretaker(s) make you feel safe, loved, and understood? Did you always feel as if you would have someone come to your defense and be on your side?

If this sounds like your upbringing, you likely have a secure attachment style. People with this attachment style have an easier time describing their feelings and emotional needs. They respond well to the intimacy needs of others and know how to healthily build relationships.

If you are married to any of the other attachment styles, yours could be affecting the marriage. Not through any fault of your own, as this is the healthiest type of attachment there is. However, if your partner has a different style, it may stress them. They simply don't understand why/how you can be the way you are. They may not be as willing to open up to you or connect with you on a deeper level.

Insecure Attachment

Did you sometimes feel neglected or unloved? Did you lack emotional connections with caretakers?

If this sounds familiar, then this very well may be your attachment style. Especially if you have a harder time opening up or feeling accepted by others, especially your spouse.

Called insecure attachment, these types of adults often have a harder time growing into a firm identity of their own. They may lack self-confidence or feel very insecure when it comes to the faith of their marriage.

An insecure attachment could be affecting your marriage because of how guarded you can be at times. You may find it harder to connect on a deeper level with your partner or find that you shy away from intimacy.

Anxious-Preoccupied

This is one of the more complicated attachment styles. Growing up, you may have had a lot of ups and downs with your caretakers. At times, you may have felt loved while at others you felt dismissed or neglected.

In this type of attachment style, you may feel overly anxious that your partner would really want or love you. Because of this, you may unintentionally look for reasons to fight or create distance to prove your point.

At times, you may come across as too clingy. You may believe that constantly being around your partner or keeping tabs on them will compel them to stay with you. In all actuality, this may just cause unnecessary tension between you.

Navigating Each Other's Attachment Styles

Chances are, you are probably in a marriage with a different attachment style than yourself. That's common and perfectly okay! We are all different and that is part of what makes life and love so special.

The difference-maker in a successful relationship is a commitment to learning how to balance the needs of your partner with your own. This is a challenge, especially when you consider differences in upbringing, but doable with support and the appropriate relationship guidance.

No matter what your attachment styles are, we can make them work better together for a healthier, happier marriage. Please read more about couples counseling. Then, please reach out for a consultation soon.