Fair Fighting in Couples Counseling- Having Intentional Healthy Conflict.

Do you and your partner have conflicts with one another seemingly often? You see seemingly happy couples on social media or in your social circles and wonder how they are able to be that way. Maybe you wonder if you and your partner are still compatible with each other since you have conflicts?

Conflicts are actually necessary to happen in partner relationships. Lack of conflicts may mean that a couple is not communicating enough with each other or holding back. There however is a difference between intentional conflict and harmful unhealthy conflict. Keep reading to explore more about ways in which couples counseling can help with conflicts and some tips to consider to have healthier conflicts with your partner.

1.)  How do you communicate when conflicts arise?

It can be easy to fall into a trap of communicating with defensiveness when emotions are running high. How you respond in words, body language, and actions will have an influence on whether or not the conflict is productive or not. The goal of having a conflict should be that you are able to problem solve and reflect on what has occurred to have caused riffs with your partner. When the goal of having a conflict becomes more of trying to be the most “right” the intentions towards having the conflict then become unhealthy for the relationship. Listening to what your partner has to say before thinking about how to respond  to what is being said. Healthy communication starts with trying to understand your partner's full point of view and where they are coming from.

2.)  Is language coming from a place of curiosity or being used as a weapon?

Language used during conflicts should come from a place of trying to understand more of what the problem is in efforts for resolution and repair. When couples start to call each other names, that will obviously not solve the problem. Out of frustration and overwhelm it can come up but couples should start being more aware of what triggers it in effort to prevent it. Couples though counseling also learn self soothing coping skills that can help when feelings of overwhelm or frustration from a conflict arise. Language holds a lot of power in relationships and should be used with respect and caution when it comes to conflicts.

3.)  What do repairs look like? Do repairs happen after a conflict?

Are you and your partner having more conversation in the aftermath of a fight/conflict? Some partners may ignore that a fight took place in efforts to avoid more strain. But when fights get pushed “under the rug” deeper rooted issues are not addressed. When issues are then not addressed it is more likely that the cycle from the issue will be repeated. Couples counseling can help couples make realizations as to what they are avoiding and why they are avoiding.

4.)  Taking breaks from the conflict

When things get too heated for both parties and staying in the same room may not be safe it is appropriate to take a “time out.” Couples should be intentional in how they take time apart from each other. Individuals should let their partners know how they are going to self-soothe and a time that they would be ready to come back to have a conversation. This of course would be appropriate as long as there is no abuse going on. Individuals that are experiencing abuse in their relationship should be intentional about using resources around them to get help. One resource being the Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233. Couples counseling specifically wouldn’t be appropriate if there is active abuse happening in the relationship.